Here's a thought that crosses the mind of almost everyone with ADHD after diagnosis:
“Do I really have ADHD, or am I just permanently struggling with a series of personal character flaws that somehow match the symptoms of ADHD?”.
This kind of self-doubt isn’t just common, it’s pretty much a rite of passage for us with ADHD.
The sad truth is, we've been conditioned to doubt ourselves our whole lives, we've talked horribly to ourselves about our abilities and been our own worst critic, despite what others may see. So, it’s not you that’s broken. It’s the way shame has been allowed to shape your view of ADHD and, ultimately, yourself.
Yet, it's something that can be overcome, living as an Adult with ADHD you have two choices post-diagnosis:
- Am I going to use this as an excuse or just keep going as I always have, maybe with some medication
- Am I willing to confront ADHD, get to understand it, myself and address the issues I face head-on
This may sound harsh, but owning your ADHD is the first step in moving ahead and resolving the never ending self-doubt "What if I don't have ADHD".
The Self-Blame Game: We Judge Ourselves All the Time
You know too well all those moments when you’re pushing your brain to focus, pouring in every bit of effort, yet things just don’t fall into place?
Then comes that familiar, negative ruminating self-talk: “You’re just not trying hard enough. Look at everyone else; they manage this. What’s wrong with you?”
And so, the mental tug-of-war begins. Part of you recognises that ADHD might be the issue, while another part insists, “No, this is just me being lazy, isn’t it?”
It’s a relentless cycle. You’ve likely heard it from others: “If only you applied yourself more", “It's easy, just make sure you fill out your timesheets each week,” or “you're so smart, why can't you live up to your potential.”
Over time, these words become internalised. They turn into shame, a constant reminder that you’re somehow falling short. It’s a heavy burden to carry, one that slowly chips away at your self-worth.
ADHD Means Being Forced To Work Within an Alien System
Society tends to frame everything through a lens of effort and achievement, that we are all capable of working to some invented system from A to B, from school to work.
If you don’t fit neatly into that picture, the world is quick to point out your shortcomings. For children with ADHD, this begins early. Think back to your school days, you knew you were just as capable as the other kids. But your exam results said otherwise.
You might have not have been failing exams, but maybe you were getting B and C grades, with teachers insisting you were capable of so much more. Without them knowing you found the classroom excruciating despite trying to focus, that doing homework was a monumental chore, yet you got it done. But, no, that wasn't good enough.
When those around you, start implying that you’re simply not trying hard enough or should be doing better, it’s only a matter of time before you begin to believe it. The idea that “I need to try harder” gets lodged so deeply that every struggle turns into a personal failure.
You're eternally pushing yourself forward towards improvement, after-all, you're likely quite creative, but yet again you are told, “You're still not getting it.” It’s no wonder so many people with ADHD start to see themselves as broken.
So, Why Does This Doubt Pop Up?
Imagine being told your entire life that your struggles are a result of not trying hard enough. Every time you push back, you’re met with, “You’re just making excuses.” Over time, this message embeds itself into your very sense of self. That’s what makes the shame of ADHD so potent, it turns every difficulty into an indictment of your character.
This is why self-doubt takes over. ADHD doesn’t just mean you find it hard to focus; it means you’ve been trained to view every challenge as your own failing. So, you start asking yourself, “Do I really have ADHD, or am I just not capable enough?” because you’ve been told time and time again that effort is the key to success. And when effort fails, what else can you conclude but, “It’s my fault. I’m broken.”
You’re Not Broken
ADHD isn’t a moral failing, a lack of willpower, or a sign that you’re not trying hard enough. It’s a neurological difference.
The real issue isn’t you, it’s society’s insistence that everyone should meet the same standards, regardless of how their brains work. For you, it feels like you've spent your life being told that 2+2=5.
The shame you feel? It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’ve been unfairly judged by a world that doesn’t always understand ADHD. You’ve been taught to see your differences as flaws when, in reality, they’re just different ways of thinking.
You’re not the problem. You’re a perfectly capable neurodivergent individual trying to navigate a neurotypical world, and that’s a challenging task. You are no more or less capable than others, but the systems you need to work in need to accommodate all that you can offer.
Breaking Free of Self-Doubt
No, ADHD isn’t an excuse; it’s an explanation. The more you understand how your brain works and map out a plan to do something to overcome your challenges, the easier it becomes to break free from that cycle of shame and self-blame.
And if you’ve ever found yourself doubting your diagnosis, you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not broken. You’re simply navigating a world that wasn’t designed with your ways of operating in mind.
So, the next time that voice in your head says, “Maybe I don’t have ADHD; maybe I’m just flawed,” remind yourself: the world hasn’t always been kind to different ways of thinking.
ADHD doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, but it can feel hopeless constantly tripping up in predictable ways. It might mean that it's time to take a step back and recognise the true nature of what ADHD actually is, you might be surprised as to what it is beyond it's useless name and your more immediate pain points. It might be time to see the past in a better way and and completely debunk this myth that you're lazy.
You know more than anyone how much effort, both physical and mental, that you have had to endure to complete what seem like simple things all of your life. This isn't one bit lazy.
So, work to know, embrace and channel your strengths, your quirks, and your resilience, because you’ve been overcoming challenges that others can’t even begin to understand. And if you genuinely doubt your diagnosis, of course you should consider being re-evaluated.
For me, finally breaking free of this constant monologue of "I'm broken" "Why do I keep building up big projects and see them fall apart" and "I'm a liability" until it eventually meant I lost all trust in myself, it reached a point where confronting ADHD head on was required. This involved me having enough of pretending I was okay, accepting I had ADHD, properly grieving and reconciling some of my past by engaging in Therapy and ADHD Coaching.
I never ask myself the question "Do I really have ADHD" anymore. I absolutely have ADHD, it's perfectly obvious and nothing else makes any sense, I have always lived this way and somehow convincing myself that I was somehow flawed and just lacked self-control was absolutely not backed up by any evidence whatsoever.
Unfortunately, it took a decade into my own diagnosis to gain this perspective and see it for what it was. If anything, this initial diagnosis without the insight and knowledge I would ultimately gain became a burden. I had answers, but still ended up in the same positions, feeling the same constant highs and lows.
So, if you struggle with this, Owning your ADHD is a great first step, you can do this by starting to Become a Student of your ADHD and/or consider engaging with Therapy or ADHD Coaching to untangle this inner doubt and see yourself in the picture living with ADHD.
